Fantastically overexerted and sunburned

**this is a post from a week ago that I forgot to post!**

Today I probably overdid it. And it was fantastic.

I proved to myself I could do something active with both of my kids on my own. I met a group of other moms with young children who were fun and kind. I spent 5+ hrs at the beach. I remembered why we moved here. All in one day. 

It's almost harder, emotionally, having bad days here. When I get into the blackhole of a flare up that seems neverending doubt doesn't just creep in, it bulldozes its way through my heart and head. 

"Why did we move here if I'm still stuck in bed"

"I uprooted my kids and husband's entire lives for nothing"

"This was our last hope. If I feel awful here it's never going to get better anywhere"

You get the idea. I believe I've mentioned it.

It's been difficult getting myself out of this spinning during the pandemic where I can't go out and do anything or enjoy friends to show myself "see- you can do more!" 

And having M home all the time, while incredibly fun, hasn't allowed me to really stretch my wings and see what I'm capable of without his strength and unwavering ability to take care of the kids when I can't. The quarantine has also really screeched to a halt our friend making efforts. I had as of this morning not been able to find a moms group online, or meet very many through the kids' school, and all moms need a group of mom's to laugh with, spend time with, complain with and depend on. A tribe they tend to call it. Or a village. Here it can be called ohana, but it all means family outside of blood. This mom time was something I valued even more than I realized in California. I had, and still have them, an incredible group of mom's who did nothing but make me laugh, help me when I needed it, trust me with their children, take care of mine and surround me with warmth and love no matter what kind of physical, mental or emotional shape I was in. Women's friendships are unique and difficult to translate to men, and mom friendships are another level of soul nurturing. That may not be the correct phrase for it but it really does feed and calm the soul to even just know these friends are out there supporting you. Whether it's extra snacks at the beach or park or just the text reminding you tomorrow is pajama day at school these friendships run the gamet of support and commiseration. Maybe it sounds dramatic to some but I can guarantee every mom has or should have a tribe, village, playgroup, mom ohana, whatever you decide to call it and wherever it comes from.

Today I got to be a part of a friends tribe here on island. It was so fun and relaxing and just felt like normal life again. Several mom's doing nothing but talking and laughing as countless kids were playing and swimming. 

I had no idea when I left this morning that the day would end up meaning so much to me for so many reasons. 

It felt so amazing to be able to do an activity- an active outdoor activity- with my kids without M. I reminded myself I am strong and capable. It was another postcard worthy day with clear waters and blue skies.

I got to hang out on the beach and in the ocean for more than 5 hrs, my happy place without question while my children made new friends and had an amazing day. I relaxed, laughed and chatted with a warm welcoming group of mom's and I got to meet so many new interesting people. And this day would not have been possible in California. For many physical reasons. Early morning, standing, sitting, walking, more standing, more sitting, moving through waves, walking in sand, talking to new people for 5 hrs, going to a new place I'd never been before with the confidence that "I got this", taking care of the kids (up, down, in and out of the chair, walking, lifting, feeding, constant awareness), loading and unloading the car, driving 30 mins each way; and still not being completely destroyed when we got home 6 hrs after we left. 

A lot to happen and positives to come out of what I thought, at 8 o clock this morning, was going to be a lovely but pretty ordinary day. You just never know when you wake up each morning what the day holds, do you? And even if you do know you don't always know what those things will ultimately mean to you.