For two and a half weeks we have been surrounded by love and friendship to the point my heart could burst. Leaving California was only difficult for me because of the incredible friends we were leaving behind. Never a judgement for hanging out in pajamas all day, lying on the couch zoning out on movies, unable to go out, in bed during a get together, or unable to even see them on this trip when my body completely gave out. Never a judgement for anything ever. In fact the opposite is true. I truly don't know what I've done to deserve these amazing friends, but I thank the universe for them everyday. I'm so blessed and humbled by their generosity and love constantly. These past two weeks, the first week with our incredible family full of laughter, the second with the family we made out of friends, did two things for me. It reaffirmed how special these people are and made me miss them so much my heart aches. Independent of the company this trip also made me realize that I do feel better here, I do hurt more in the cold and damp. And that the time was right to move since I can honestly say the only thing I miss are those people. It feels so crowded and fast paced to me now. It's expensive and unnecessarily complicated to live there. Even M and the kids were anxious to get home even if we weren't anxious to leave our people.
I indeed did keep a mini journal of how I felt while there. I paid very close attention to my physical symptoms with one minor error. I didn't think at all about my emotional health.
Coming back home to Hawaii I was struggling physically- 17 days of travel with two small kids and constant company will do that. But the second day we were home the emotional letdown came out of the blue. I was exhausted to the point all of my defenses were down. I was home in bed and the adrenaline crash, emotional purge and inevitable comparisons of here to California began. It was a spectacular meltdown that unfortunately my husband witnessed part of. I cried so hard my body ached the next day. It was the kind of cry that comes from deep in your soul.
I don't cry. I'm not a happy cryer at all, I don't necessarily cry when I'm sad and when I'm in pain or really stressed I actually laugh uncontrollably. This purge was a buildup of at least six months without tears and years without that level of just letting it out. And while being that scared and sad isn't pleasant it ultimately felt really good. You always hear that "getting it out" helps you deal with emotions and that they "build up" etc etc and I can attest to the fact that that is true. I feel cleaned out. I feel like being that emotionally raw was helpful in maintaining my strength. I don't try to hold my emotions in consciously, maybe my capacity for absorbing emotion is big but when that capacity needs to reset the purging of all of that emotion and fatigue is amazing. I feel empty, in a good way, like I'm ready to take it on again. Not to say emotion and mental health won't continue to play a huge part in my existence with chronic illness.
The talk in society lately is so much about mental health. I firmly believe that feeling your emotions and letting them out in a healthy manner is an essential part of it. Being happy all the time is not mental health. Being comfortable with your emotions no matter how they choose to present themselves, and being able to deal with them, be open about them, use them to grow and move on is a key element, for me at least. Phew!
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