Just going to stay right here....

Today is a bad day.

          

 (Without and with flash)

For good reason but still a bad day. I have been in bed all day, still in my pajamas alternating between listening to books and watching bad tv and staring at the wall when my brain really fries itself out of commission.
I could get up today, but some days I don't want to fight through the pain and exhaustion to do mundane tasks like make dinner. Some days I don't want to "be strong" or "suck it up". That's today. So today I am working to accept that I'm just going to stay here and not feel guilty for being sick and for not doing what I, and only I, think I should. And I have to say it's going quite well today. It is what it is. I don't need to prove to anyone that I COULD get up and make dinner and put kids to bed and straighten up my mess of a house from camping. This is a nice peaceful feeling. I don't know why today it comes so easily when other days it just won't come at all, but I'll take it.


Wanna see how easy it is to lie though?

Attitude and foundations

A conversation this
morning led me to thinking about attitude, happiness and perspective. I realized that, in my mind anyway, your overall attitude, perspective and outlook on all things in your life (not individual things, problems or people) can be the foundation of your existence.
If you have a horrible attitude and are a negative person what kind of spouse, if any, will you find? What kind of kids will you raise? How can you further your career or have good working relationships? How can you rely on family support if you are miserable to be around? How can you expect to have a positive life with a negative attitude? I'm not saying these things aren't possible. But perspective changes them I think.
Life is made up of so many parts. If one part goes wrong do you throw all the others away?

Or do you take that part and let it strengthen you and recognize the good parts?

I by no means think these are the only two options. The actual day to day life of humans lies somewhere in between but it does create differences in people in the same situations. Do those differences matter in the long run? Food for thought. 

Summary of the Spoon Theory

"Most people don’t think twice about the energy it takes to shower, get dressed, and drive to work. Most people can go to the grocery store in the morning and make dinner in the evening. Most people can make plans and keep them.

When you have chronic disease, you’re not like most people. Multiple sclerosis (MS), autoimmune forms of arthritis, and many other conditions can cause extreme fatigue. On a bad day, you may not have the strength to even brush your teeth.

In a blog titled “The Spoon Theory,” Christine Miserandino described how she showed her friend what it’s like to have lupus. (The autoimmune diseaseoften causes fatigue, fever, and joint pain, among other symptoms.) While sitting at a diner, Miserandino handed her friend 12 spoons. These represented units of energy. She then asked her friend to describe the typical activities of a day

Miserandino took away a spoon for every single task: showering, getting dressed with painful joints, standing on a train. Skipping lunch would cost a spoon, too. When the spoons were gone, it meant there was barely energy to do anything else.

This idea of quantifying energy as spoons, and the idea that people with chronic disease only get a handful of spoons each day, hit home with readers far and wide. “Spoon theory” is now part of the lingo of autoimmune disease. Legions of people call themselves “spoonies,” connect on social media as #spoonies, use spoon theory to explain their chronic disease limitations, and plan their days around the number of spoons they have when they wake up.
People without chronic illness get unlimited spoons, or at least more than enough than what they need

Selflessly kind in the middle of the woods

"The energy you put out to the universe is the energy you get back."

"Whatever you look for and expect to see in the world you will find, look for kindness and you will find it."

These are two of my favorite quotes. Always have been. And I firmly believe them. I truly believe that a big reason I have lived such an amazing and blessed life is because I follow them. And I am constantly reminded of them and my belief is consistently validated in my daily existence.

This time it came in the form of generosity and true selflessness. I love the phrase 'thoughtlessly kind' and this truly was that as when I pointed out to this person how amazing what she did for me was she responded with a truly baffled "what did I do?"

This weekend was the amazing girl scout camp weekend. Those of you who know me personally know that Girl Scouts is extremely important to me and my daughter and that I value and strongly believe in that wonderful organization. This weekend was a very special mother/daughter weekend and that, as well as being a troop leader, meant I was not missing it under any circumstances.
To put this super active weekend in small perspective: I was told several times last year "I'm healthy and this weekend is overwhelming and utterly exhausting for me". And I was asked more than once while there "how are you doing this? I can't believe you're here".
So that gives you an idea of the difficulty (and fun!) of this 42 hour jam packed event.
In true GS fashion we moms are each required to volunteer for a 2-3 hr shift at camp. My job this year was in the craft shell from 10-12 Sat.
Now, background- last year I was unable to make it to the campfire /talent show at the end of the big day because my body was just too exhausted from so much hiking, walking and just DOING. My thoughtful 7 yr old at the time decided to go back to the cabin with me because "she didn't want to go to the campfire" which I later learned actually meant "I felt bad for you and wanted to spend time with my momma". Yeah❤️
So this year I was worried about this. My little girl said she really really wanted me to go but it doesn't even start until like 830 or 9 pm. After a day of major activity all over the woods.
Now that you have all of the pertinent history...
As my troop mom's and I were standing watching our girls do archery (in the 90 degree heat at 930am!) one asked me what my "official" diagnosis was. This led to a discussion of symptoms and spoons. As these two mom's listened to me describe the spoon theory and mention how I wish I had let them know ahead of time that I couldn't volunteer (I HAD let them know certain limitations I had and what I needed from them in order for me to be able to go, but shirking my volunteer responsibility wasn't something I was ok with at that point) because I was already running low and wanted to spend my spoons hanging out with my kid, not volunteering without her for two hours. I really wasn't complaining or whining, it was just a fact. You can guess what happens next.
Without hesitation:
Mom #1 "do you want us to do your volunteer shift?"
Mom#2 "yeah we can just split it"
Me(of course) "no no I'll be fine"
Mom#1 "don't be silly you should save your energy"
Me "this is not why I told you guys this!"
Mom #2 "oh my gosh we know. The fact that you volunteer to be a girl scout troop leader tells us that and says a lot"
Mom #1 "the girls want to do crafts at some point anyway. We'll take them now so we can volunteer and do crafts with our girls. Not a big deal"
Me "but.... I don't know. Are you sure?"
Mom#1 "yes. We want you to make it to the rest of the day. Its silly to use energy for this. Go lay down until lunch and don't think about it again".

I made it to the campfire that night because of those ladies. I told them many times how much it meant to me and how huge a deal it was for me, but I don't think they can ever know what that meant to me and my daughter. To them it seemed simple and easy. To me it was huge.

Small acts of kindness can change big things.
Thank you again ladies.

                      

Stanford you have been forgiven

I have to say my first experience with Stanford specialists left a lot to be desired. M and I walked out of the building shell shocked, flabbergasted and disillusioned.
Today they have redeemed themselves.
I spent 5 solid hours of my day in the Autonomic Clinic of the Neuroscience specialty of the neurological department at Stanford hospital. Not to name drop or anything. Sounds fancy doesn't it?
This is one of the top clinics for Autonomic nervous system disorders in the world. These specialists are few and spread out internationally.
I'm extremely lucky to live 20 mins from this clinic and to have Drs who referred me to see them.
The testing was mildly brutal I must say, but the technician and I became friends over my two and a half straight hours in his lab so it ended up being enjoyable getting to know and chatting with someone new. Which is one of my favorite things of course.
He was thorough and apologetic when his tests were dizzying, nauseating and difficult but we got through them all.
He mentioned probably five times over the course of hours what a positive person I am in the face of a gazillion issues and what a great attitude I have and he even said thank you for that! It was lovely. It made me feel bad for him a bit dealing with unhappy people all the time? so I asked him:
"Do you get a lot of people who come in here just miserable and grumpy and complaining?"
"Oh yes we do, and I understand that as well. They are dealing with horrible stuff. But you remind me it's all about perspective in life. You change your perspective just a little bit and it changes everything. So thank you for reminding me of that." Deep thoughts in the Stanford Autonomic testing lab. And I must say that's one of the biggest compliments I have ever received! I really appreciated his candor.

When I left my new friend, after convincing him to go to Hawaii on vacation and take his parents to help with their new 6 month old girl, I was off to the Dr to interpret the findings. (And I could finally get coffee after fasting for sooooo long!)
This time this Dr, same one as before,  was more personable, provided relevant information and explained things thoroughly. I left there feeling good knowing that I had been thoroughly tested, poked, prodded and examined and confident in the information I now had. And reminding myself I should know better than to judge by just one visit.

The news isn't great. I didn't leave happy with the actual information, but from the perspective of a chronically ill person answers are awesome, good or bad really. It's a twisted world we live in.

So for those of you who are paying attention to/interested in the technical  medicals side of things he is very confident that the lupus diagnosis is correct because the problems he found are only caused by a handful of things- one of which is Lupus. (The others were instantly ruled out actually). So what it is boiling down to is systemic Lupus with cardiovascular Autonomic neuropathy and orthostatic hypotension.
Quite the mouthful huh?
Basically it's:
Lupus- attacks the connective tissue and
It effects all body systems -systemic
With
Cardiovascular- the heart and blood vessels
Autonomic- the part of the nervous system that controls automatic functions; in this case mainly heart rate, heart filling and emptying and blood pressure
Neuropathy- nerves gone wrong (diseased, malfunctioning, dying, etc in my case malfunctioning because they are being attacked by my immune system)

So because my immune system turned bad and is attacking me (the Lupus) the nerve that controls my heart isn't working, so it doesn't tell my heart to fill and empty when it's supposed to, to pump the blood out when and how it's supposed to or not to beat so fast when it doesn't need to. And the nerve to my blood vessels isn't telling them to constrict and relax regularly and when they need to (so my BP is inconsistent- orthostatic hypotension means my BP drops when I stand up). So my blood isn't going anywhere it needs to be when it needs to be there if you think about it.... Lol.
This explains why I stutter and can't think straight so often. There's no blood in my brain! I wonder if I'll be smart again if I hang upside down.... Hmm food for thought.

So that was my day. Wasn't a bad day at all. The sun was shining, they gave me a coffee and lunch break so I walked to Starbucks. I met some nice people, learned some cool stuff about the nervous system and got some answers. All in all a pretty good day.