So, I'm reading a book about a Dr who almost dies and then has to live with chronic illness. It's a really good "both sides of the line" book. An interesting thing she mentions is comparing working toward putting on her socks to when she worked toward an intricate and very difficult yoga pose (pigeon pose). This made a light bulb go if in my head in terms of our perceived notion of whether or not something is or should be worth the effort it requires. Working 12 hour days toward a job promotion is "worth it" and that person is congratulated and told how hard they've worked and celebrated.
A person working toward getting out of bed to go to the bathroom instead of the bedside commode is not celebrated, not recognized for their hard work but most importantly the person doing the work has very different reactions.
I could go so far as to say in our society as a whole we are ok with working hard toward a perceived difficult accomplishment that others will notice and accolades will be given, we will take the time and map out a plan when it's something we see as worth while and not necessarily expected of us. But, when it's something basic like putting on your socks, standing up, walking to the bathroom or anything else that is accepted by others as a daily part of mere existence it seems to send our brains into confusion and defensiveness.
[Pretty close to an actual conversation I've had]
"How is your training going for that marathon?"
"Man, it's so tough. It's been a month, I've had some setbacks and had to cut back on my distance a bit for a little while, but all in all I'm still on track to run it in 2 months! I'm so excited!"
"Good luck! That's awesome!"
 |
| This affirmation takes on completely different meanings in each conversation.... |
Or
[Also an actual conversation I have had]
"How is your physical therapy going to get you to walk all the way to the kitchen without your walker?"
"I'm so pissed and annoyed, I had a setback this week so I had to go back to only going halfway and build up again from there"
"Oh that sucks, I'm sorry. I'll bring you some chocolate and coffee tomorrow."
Does anyone besides me see the huge difference in terms of expectations of ourselves and our attitude toward our accomplishments when it's something we think we should just be able to do, vs something above and beyond what is expected of us? Something we
want to do?
I can clearly see why the person trying to get to the kitchen is angry and upset and I see now how that will affect their ability to accept where they are at. Nothing more, nothing less, just where they are at. You can't accept a limitation in your life when your unconscious expectations are so much higher than that limitation. You can't be at peace with a limitation and overcome when you refuse to accept it without anger or frustration or blame.
Huh. So why do we judge ourselves so harshly for working hard to accomplish something expected vs not expected when they may require the same amount of work?
Clearly it has to do with outside opinions and worrying about the way the world sees us right? Because WE know the difficulty level is real.
So is it that by not being able to do something basic we see that as a failing even though it's a legitimate difficulty?
Why is it perfectly ok with me in my head that I can't run anymore when I ran for years, but it's definitely not ok in my mind that I can't walk up a flight of stairs most days? Or walk the entire distance to my daughters classroom from my car? Is this my expectation or society's? Is it ingrained that one is required and one is "optional" and that somehow it makes us weak to need to work harder than others at the required activities of life?
Is that what makes us angry and frustrated and depressed?
I think it is a societal perception thing as well as personal expectations. The question is where do the personal expectations come from? Society? So is it a vicious circle?
This fascinates me now.....
