So you'd think after 8 yrs I'd have this whole illness thing down right? I'd know just how to deal with it and it wouldn't destroy me emotionally anymore. Ha!
My psychologist friend told me once I need to grieve the old Kim and accept the new one. A mature 41 year old woman should surely be able to accomplish this, right? But, when someone tells me this is my "new normal" (oh yes, Drs will tell you that and just to "get used to it"), or that I need to accept that this is just who I am now and accept the limitations, I get immeasurably angry. My inner child turns petulant and defiant and stomps her feet saying "no!". My Drs see this as annoying and bothersome to them because I won't leave them alone. I don't know how my family and friends truly see it. I see it as pure unadulterated stubbornness. I am a taurus after all.
Is this the "correct" way to deal with this? Is this
One of my personal pet peeves is helpless people who give up easily. Those people who say "this is just the way it is so I'm just going to take it and not fight it". The ones who instantly say "oh this is hard" and throw their hands up in surrender without truly trying. Those who complain about something rather than trying to fix it. This pet peeve contributes to my attitude toward everything in life, so why should this be different?
This is also why my Drs find me annoying and bothersome. I just refuse to accept this life.
Now, that all sounds well and good and "woohoo you go girl" BUT I'm starting to think this is not a good thing or the healthiest way to deal with this. I'm starting to think that what this stubborn attitude does, at least partially, is prevent me from enjoying where I am as much as I could. I don't mean the little things, I'm very good at recognizing and appreciating the moments, but I mean as a whole. In life.
Is this true? I don't know, but this is what I'm exploring right now I think, and I think this might be the reason for this funk. I told my husband the other day "I just don't have anymore fight in me today. Maybe tomorrow it'll be back". But it hasn't come back. Do I not have any fight left because I'm giving up? Because I'm just too sick and tired to find it buried in my soul? Or because my brain is finally giving in and accepting all of this crap? My body and brain have called a truce?
I'm sure you can tell I don't know the answers and I don't know how to "deal" with all of this any better than I did 8 years ago. I wish I did, maybe then I wouldn't still be at war, because I gotta say it's exhausting 😉
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