This is one of the worst and most difficult parts of chronic pain. It's 12:23 am as I write this, exhausted beyond belief. My brain is tired, my body is beyond tired, yet here I lie in so much pain mere breathing is painful.
I've stretched, I've changed positions, I've tried heat and ice, I'm listening to my "be strong" music😉, but nothing is helping.
To be specific my spine feels as though it is grinding together like rocks with sharp edges and no padding. My ribs become very inflamed when this happens so taking a deep breath is difficult and requires concentration. A regular breath is just painful.
I'd like to rip my spine out of my body at this point in time because there are no more medications I can take right now, no more positions or things I can try. I'm stuck. I'm unable now to move due to the pain, and it's beginning to cause a lump of nausea in my stomach and throat.
During my days I try to hide what I can, be strong and make it through for my kids, my husband, my friends, family AND myself, but late at night when there are no more options for pain relief and you realize all you can do is lie here and live with it, that's when reality sinks in. No more distractions, no more acting, just you and the pain. There have been more nights like this than I will ever count. I won't count them because the point is just to get through it again however you need. Being mad, sad, frustrated or depressed, even tears at moments like this don't show weakness, it's a battle, not the war, and this battle sucks. But I don't dwell on how much, or what it means. As soon as your brain acknowledges this level of pain as a never ending cycle and not just one bad night, when you acknowledge that this is part of the life you will live this time around on this Earth, then you give the pain too much power and that, my friends, that's when you've lost the war.
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