Now, I absolutely love to travel. It is probably my favorite thing to do in this world. In this life. It always has been. I traveled extensively and constantly before I had kids for many many years all over the US, all over Europe, Canada, Mexico, etc. Once we had children, and I got sick, travel obviously got pushed to the back burner, but we still took our trips to Hawaii (where we had our families with us) and little trips to some other closer places. Lately travel has not been on the agenda for financial and health reasons, so this was the first big international trip I had taken in over 15 years. I was beyond ecstatic, but that excitement was definitely overshadowed by abject terror. I honestly wasn't sure if I could physically do it.
About 2 days before we left I had a date with my son because I wasn't going to see him for those 8 days. We went out to the arcade and to miniature golf, all the things 11-year-olds love. Luckily here all those things are available at one mall. However, I got seriously ill at the mall with one of my usual problems which involves projectile vomiting and severe abdominal pain. I am no stranger to throwing up in random public restrooms, but it really brought to light the fact that I was going to be so far from home. Even just driving home from the mall proved to be challenging that day and that was after a whole lot of trying my hardest not to have to leave at all so my son could enjoy his day, while simultaneously throwing up in 4 different bathrooms. On a positive note I now know where allll the bathrooms are at that mall!
I remember lying in bed with my husband that night telling him that I was so scared and I didn't know what I was going to do if my health seriously failed me a 10-hour flight from home in a foreign country alone with my daughter. The fact that there was another adult there who was a good friend was obviously of some comfort, in fact she and I met for breakfast to discuss what I needed and what to do if something should go wrong with my health, but I always tend more toward not wanting to rely on my friends when it comes to my health. And I especially didn't want to ruin their trip with my health.
Now, before you think I'm complaining, the reality of life is I got to go to Australia with my daughter for a week.
But what I do hate about chronic illness is the fact that it makes you rethink your wants and desires, it makes you rethink what you are capable of doing, and it really makes you doubt yourself. That's exactly what it did in this case.
I have always been a very capable person. I was very independent, sometimes to a fault. I still use the words " I can do it myself" far too often. I honestly prefer not to rely on other people, not because I have some great fear they'll let me down, but just because I am capable person and I don't really like to inconvenience other people. My husband told me one time that a main part of my personality is not wanting to be a burden to anyone else. And unfortunately I think he's right. So of course hello, multiple chronic illnesses that make me overly dependent on others! Think the universe was trying to teach me something? I agree. So it annoys me that when the subject of Australia came up my first thought of course was: Can I do this? And even more frustrating was I didn't feel confident in the answers. However, I also felt that this was an opportunity that I could not pass up. Because of our friends we got plane tickets super cheap, and because we could share an apartment the lodgings were inexpensive also, so the trip was actually inexpensive. For a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I could not pass it up. My daughter deserved it, and my husband and I really wanted to give it to her.
So I said yes, I committed and I tried to think about the trip just in a matter of fact way. This is what we were doing. Until those two days before we left when that experience of course brought my illnesses right back to the forefront. What if I get this sick in Australia and I don't know where I am and I can't get myself back to where I need to be? What if I'm there alone with my daughter and something happens to me?...... The what ifs of life right?
But obviously we went. Luckily my health stayed somewhat stable and the way we organized the trip made it very easy for me to take care of myself properly. The trip was beyond amazing. It could not have gone better, it could not have been more fun, we could not have had a better experience. Honestly. My daughter and I had such an amazing trip, time, experience. The concert was incredible. The country is incredible. Thankfully, my daughter and I are very close and we just get along so well and it's easy to be together. It was so much fun to even just do nothing with her. She will tell you and I perfectly agree that the best day was the day that she and I (our friends had gone off on their own) just took off from the apartment walking with no destination really in mind. We stumbled upon a botanical garden, two museums, an interesting pig statue and the Sydney Opera House where we had snacks and drinks overlooking the Opera House and Sydney harbor! Through trial and error we learned to navigate the subway and we even went to an open house just to see what life was really like living there. It was one of the best days I've ever had... It was worth the entire trip.
I wish I could say the worry was for nothing but it's really just a part of life for anyone in this situation right? There has to be extra thought, extra planning. We can't just go where and when we want. But this trip definitely reminded me that I CAN do these things as long as I do that extra planning. It made me feel truly alive as Kim for the first time in awhile and reminded me of how much I love experiencing new things. I hope I can keep remembering and continue to find things that make me feel alive. Because I think too often we get caught up in just surviving these illnesses and we forget how to actually LIVE.
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