Mind games you can actually win

M, B and I spent this afternoon at the small tide pools made from lava rock at the South end of Kailua beach. It's a serenely active and beautiful place as it seems they all are. We went today so our animal, bug, all living thing obsessed 6 year old boy could hunt for crabs, snails, urchins and anything else he could find. He even found a centipede today.

I grabbed my chair and my bag with book, meds, snacks and sunscreen that goes everywhere with me and planted myself at the edge of the rocks to watch them climb and hunt while I listened to the waves as I read. 

Some days that's my ideal activity, some days it's good because at least I'm participating in the periphery of my family's lives, an observer, but today it just wasn't cutting it for me. This happens and many times I can't do anything about it but wish I could participate and be grateful to at least not be in bed. Today wasn't one of those days. But, I wasn't entirely sure I wouldn't get stuck halfway around the point and not be able to get back, so I broke a pain pill in half (important information for later) and read for about 15 mins before I finally just said "screw it" actually out loud. Though maybe in more colorful language for those who know me well. 

By now M and B  had hiked the rocks along the shoreline around the point and out of sight. So I followed. It wasn't an extraordinary effort or particularly difficult walk/ rock climb just one of those things my knee jerk reaction is to say no to because it's been so many years of not being able to do active things. I've been conditioned over time that it will be painful, debilitating for days after, too difficult to even finish, I'll hurt myself even worse with my deteriorating joints, yadda yadda. I'm sick of it, but it's life. 

But today over the rocks, and around the point I went, damnit. Nothing overly exciting to report for the average person, but things like this carry much more weight with me than with the average person. I have no injury or even increased pain to report. 

After a couple of hours a the tide pools and beach, we decided to spoil our son with McDonald's because his big sister was at a playdate. My husband drove the 5 minutes it takes to get there on our way home and in this short amount of time I was vividly and forcefully reminded of my (pre-quarantine) routine and requirement of never taking

pain meds and being in a car too close together in time. Holy nausea Batman. 

See my lupus med interacts with my pain med and makes me incredibly susceptible to movement and dizziness. On land it's generally easy to mitigate or even unnoticeable, but in a car it becomes an extreme level of "car sickness". And when I say extreme I mean "leapt over my friends toddler on the way to the bathroom once as I ran from my car into my house as soon as I pulled into the driveway leaving my daughter in the car to bring in the rest of our stuff" extreme. Today that extreme led to asking for a large empty cup at McDonald's to throw up in and walking briskly from the car to our bathroom when we got home. It is a 4 mile drive that took 15 mins including the drive thru.  

BUT, the lesson here that I learned is that all those times people and psychologists tell you to "turn around negative self talk" and "positive self talk is important in mental health" but "you need to practice it" are totally right! Who knew? I've been making an effort to practice this for years, ever since a psychologist friend told me many moons ago to have compassion for myself and to "never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your friend".

As I literally sat on the floor of my bathroom assessing a second wave of nausea and vomiting my first thought was an unhappy "this is the price I have to pay for wanting to spend time with my family doing something fun and active!?" and my brain almost out of my control said "no, you GOT TO climb on rocks and hunt crabs today with your amazing 6 yr old son before your body gave up, because let's face it- it could've easily and has happened on a day where nothing fun preceded it. At least you got to do what you wanted today". 

So I guess it works. This was the first time it happened so quickly and automatically so we'll see if it ever happens again, but it was kinda cool. 10+ years in the making but cool nonetheless. Trust me I was as surprised as you are. 

**Addition- a few days later I have decided I just cannot tolerate the lupus med constantly causing this so I am stopping it. We'll see in 3 months how my kidneys feel about that! Fingers crossed!**

Fantastically overexerted and sunburned

**this is a post from a week ago that I forgot to post!**

Today I probably overdid it. And it was fantastic.

I proved to myself I could do something active with both of my kids on my own. I met a group of other moms with young children who were fun and kind. I spent 5+ hrs at the beach. I remembered why we moved here. All in one day. 

It's almost harder, emotionally, having bad days here. When I get into the blackhole of a flare up that seems neverending doubt doesn't just creep in, it bulldozes its way through my heart and head. 

"Why did we move here if I'm still stuck in bed"

"I uprooted my kids and husband's entire lives for nothing"

"This was our last hope. If I feel awful here it's never going to get better anywhere"

You get the idea. I believe I've mentioned it.

It's been difficult getting myself out of this spinning during the pandemic where I can't go out and do anything or enjoy friends to show myself "see- you can do more!" 

And having M home all the time, while incredibly fun, hasn't allowed me to really stretch my wings and see what I'm capable of without his strength and unwavering ability to take care of the kids when I can't. The quarantine has also really screeched to a halt our friend making efforts. I had as of this morning not been able to find a moms group online, or meet very many through the kids' school, and all moms need a group of mom's to laugh with, spend time with, complain with and depend on. A tribe they tend to call it. Or a village. Here it can be called ohana, but it all means family outside of blood. This mom time was something I valued even more than I realized in California. I had, and still have them, an incredible group of mom's who did nothing but make me laugh, help me when I needed it, trust me with their children, take care of mine and surround me with warmth and love no matter what kind of physical, mental or emotional shape I was in. Women's friendships are unique and difficult to translate to men, and mom friendships are another level of soul nurturing. That may not be the correct phrase for it but it really does feed and calm the soul to even just know these friends are out there supporting you. Whether it's extra snacks at the beach or park or just the text reminding you tomorrow is pajama day at school these friendships run the gamet of support and commiseration. Maybe it sounds dramatic to some but I can guarantee every mom has or should have a tribe, village, playgroup, mom ohana, whatever you decide to call it and wherever it comes from.

Today I got to be a part of a friends tribe here on island. It was so fun and relaxing and just felt like normal life again. Several mom's doing nothing but talking and laughing as countless kids were playing and swimming. 

I had no idea when I left this morning that the day would end up meaning so much to me for so many reasons. 

It felt so amazing to be able to do an activity- an active outdoor activity- with my kids without M. I reminded myself I am strong and capable. It was another postcard worthy day with clear waters and blue skies.

I got to hang out on the beach and in the ocean for more than 5 hrs, my happy place without question while my children made new friends and had an amazing day. I relaxed, laughed and chatted with a warm welcoming group of mom's and I got to meet so many new interesting people. And this day would not have been possible in California. For many physical reasons. Early morning, standing, sitting, walking, more standing, more sitting, moving through waves, walking in sand, talking to new people for 5 hrs, going to a new place I'd never been before with the confidence that "I got this", taking care of the kids (up, down, in and out of the chair, walking, lifting, feeding, constant awareness), loading and unloading the car, driving 30 mins each way; and still not being completely destroyed when we got home 6 hrs after we left. 

A lot to happen and positives to come out of what I thought, at 8 o clock this morning, was going to be a lovely but pretty ordinary day. You just never know when you wake up each morning what the day holds, do you? And even if you do know you don't always know what those things will ultimately mean to you.