My biggest fear...

Well, OK not my biggest fear. Those have to do with my kids reaction to all of this, but we'll get to that later maybe. 

But, ONE of my biggest fears in all of this is the perception. I know, I know everyone will say "who cares about what other people think?" But put yourself in my shoes for a second.

I don't like to talk about my health problems unless I trust the person and we are friends or close acquaintances, or if our children are, because then I feel you deserve to know. Part of the reason I am as open about all of it as I am is the perception. I dont want to be perceived as lazy or flaky. Sometimes I am flaky, but it is because of physical limitations. I am NOT a flaky person by nature and I'm definitely not lazy (sometimes I think my Drs wish I was a little....😜) So, I try to explain myself as simply as possible when it happens, not as an excuse but as a valid reason and explanation. This is because of perception. Not everyone I have trusted with this information has been a wise choice, but since I only tell people for specific reasons I can hardly regret that.

My husband once said to me "your entire existence is focusing on not being a burden to anyone", and I've learned through all of this that that is true. I do not want to be a burden. I do not want to be seen as "constantly complaining" or the horror of all horrors- a hypochondriac- gasp! I don't want to be the person people roll their eyes at and wonder what's wrong with them now. I don't want to be the person who isn't invited because I may physically not be able to do something or will complain about it being difficult. 

In the beginning, my focus was so laser pointed at these perceptions and the independence fully ingrained in my personality that it bordered on denial. 

Then....It got to the point where I had no choice to not only accept help but to actually ask for it. How could I possibly do this when the first 35+ years of my life had been focused on never asking anyone for help, always trying to be the person who does the helping and never ever burdening anyone!? This was huge for me, and also my good friend the psychologist's belief that that is what I need to learn from all of this..... Interesting theory. 

So, have I learned that asking for help from friends doesn't make me a burden? I'd have to say no, but that I'm closer than I was. 

Have I gotten over my fear of other people's perceptions of my actions due to these health issues that limit me so severely? I'd have to say not really, but that I've had to let it go mostly because I just don't have the energy.

Do I still try to hold it all in so no one sees me as complaining or weak or a hypochondriac? You betcha! 

It may sound like I've learned nothing, but I have. I've been humbled by support and offers of help and I've developed a group of close friends and family who give me no choice but to accept their help and love and support, and I actually listen. Most of the time... 

So even though that may not sound like a personal victory, for someone like me it really is. There's still some work to be done though obviously.