Right now is a time of such uncertainty in life. All people (well the smart ones) are actively afraid of sickness and dying, something most people have never really given a thought to. Healthy people keep hearing horror stories of people their age, their health, their similar life dying inexplicably. The "invincible age group" no one worries about normally is suddenly at risk and from a disease you can't see until it's too late. No one is safe from this one.
The risk of serious infection is higher in people with chronic illness, as is the risk of severity, so it is an especially worrisome time for many people like me. But, in some ways, I believe, this is easier for people with chronic health issues than for the unfailingly healthy. See we are already faced with our own mortality on a startling regular basis, so for many of us it's just another thing to add to the list and another reason to stay in bed.
But for those used to relying on their bodies to actually do what they tell it to and used to being basically invincible to germs, it comes as not only a mortality shock but a lifestyle one. Suddenly people are aware of what it means to not leave their house for weeks at a time by no choice or fault of their own. Suddenly they aren't able to just hop up and go do whatever they need to. Suddenly they get a small glimpse into what it's like to live inside in frustration and boredom.
Only these healthy people have the comfort of knowing that they aren't missing out on life because everyone is in the same storm and paddling as best they can. They can commiserate with friends about the frustration and boredom and neverending uncertainty. That's where we differ. Getting a taste of your life coming to a screeching halt when the rest of the entire world is experiencing the same thing is not the same as it happening when the world continues on without you. Imagine it. When your kids and spouse aren't forced to stay home with you. When you know that your friends and family are disappointed and worried and carrying on without you.
So as crazy as this sounds for someone like me, whose everyday existence hasn't changed as drastically as it has for most of you, this time has been oddly comforting. For the first time in 10 years I don't feel guilty about missing activities. I'm not constantly pushing myself through pain and fatigue just to not let my kids and my husband down, again. I'm not lying here thinking about the life I'm missing out on, what my friends are doing and thinking or what I'd be doing if I could just get out of this damn bed. For the first time in a long time I feel like the world and I are closer to being on the same page and my life of bedridden, activity limiting symptoms isn't so glaringly different. I can finally acknowledge my limitations without making others uncomfortable or skeptical or having them instantly turn into Drs who can cure me. I'm not feeling pressure to say yes to doing things when my body is screaming no. I can commiserate with the rest of the world for the first time and they can commiserate with me! I have to say that part is kind of cool….
