Cold happiness

I made it! I did it!
This morning I got the ok from R's teacher to go on the field trip. I sat in my car at my son's preschool after dropping him off giving myself a pep talk.
"Suck it up buttercup and make your daughter happy. Let's do this!"

So I grabbed a coffee and my pain meds and drove to the field trip they walked to and when I walked up.... I tripped over something and was looking down holding my enormous requisite coffee when I was hit by my little blonde tornado in a huge bear hug.
"You came! You came!" The smile looked like it

would break her face in half.
I was dragged from person to person in the "this is my mom", "that's my mom" rounds and the other parents looked confused as to why this was such a big deal. But it was for us.
It was a great day! It was an outside field trip literally on a beach cliff overlooking San Francisco Bay. Beautiful and very very cold. And very very windy. Two of the worst things for pain for me. The first time I can make it to a field trip and it's one of the coldest days in San Mateo! Luckily in anticipation of being able to go I left the house in layers, a parka, hat, gloves, comfy warm boots and a scarf so it was just fine. I'm starting to get the hang of this "be prepared" thing.
I did learn I'm not the greatest chaperone. I am extremely chatty and very outgoing so I kept getting caught up in conversations with the other sweet moms and losing my kids. Ha! Luckily it's a very small, completely contained place and the three kids I had were my own, my good friends daughter (one of my daughters best friends) and one of my girl scouts 😉 so if any parents of kids in our class are reading this everything was just fine.

I can't say it enough. This was just another reminder of how we need

to appreciate seemingly simple things in our child's life. My little girl is so used to me not being able to go places she was expecting me not to come. The surprise was huge and so happy and probably something she will remember in her future. In one way I feel like it's good because she appreciates these things more than other kids with healthy parents, but in another way I really wish she could take for granted that her stay-at-home mom would go on her field trips and volunteer in her class.

Of course, if I was healthy enough to do those things regularly I'd be working and still not actually able to go. Hmmm.... Life is one big catch-22 isn't it?

Bad idea + optimism= mommy

Tomorrow my daughter's class is going on a field trip! It is to a place which is a mini (very mini) "zoo" and a small science museum. It's a local treasure, perfect size for little ones, hands on exhibits and right on the San Francisco Bay. You may be able to tell I actually really love it there.
It is about a mile from my daughter's school so they generally walk there and back, going on this field trip at least once a year.
This year she is begging me to chaperone. Begging. Usually when I say "I'm sorry honey but that's just too hard for mommy's body, I just can't do it I'm sorry" she is disappointed but understanding and resigned.
This time she's relentless going so far as to tell me she overheard two if her friends commenting on her "mom not even being able to get out of bed sometimes because she's so sick". She told me this with tears in her eyes and an imploring look on her face. Whether or not the story itself was completely true, the emotion definitely was.

See I sort of got myself into this mess when I spontaneously decided to volunteer in my son's classroom when I started pulling through the neuro attack. He's in Pre-K so it's a pretty easy volunteer job and was a lot of fun. That's when the begging started for me to volunteer in HER classroom. I actually really do enjoy it and I did have every intention of doing so, but her teacher has still not responded to my email about

helping in the classroom. Then the field trip slip came home and the extreme disappointment and sadness began.

So, mommy guilt strikes again. Though truly she doesnt complain nearly as much as she could. She is extremely helpful to me and her brother when I am stuck in bed and this is the first time this has seemed so important to her. Maybe her friends did mention it. Maybe she's tired of her mom not being able to volunteer or even pick her up from school sometimes. Maybe she just wants me to go and that's that. I don't know what it is but I decided that I will go on the field trip tomorrow. I won't walk to the museum just to be on the safe side, and with her teachers complete knowledge of my health issues I think I will be fine. I know the places very well so I know I can sit if I need to, go inside when my joints start to freeze up and stiffen (being on SF Bay in Feb is gorgeous but very damp and not so warm) and I will have my car if I need to leave early.
So four hours on my feet wrangling a bunch of 7 year olds..... What could go wrong? 

Not without my meatballs

Am I the only one who finds IKEA completely exhausting and overwhelming?
My stamina on my best day is not up to the all day commitment that is the swedish Haven of....well everything. Today was not one of my best days.
We are remodeling our house. Yay! We have already had it painted and are now moving on to built-in cabinets in the living room, among many other things.
To make this "easier" on ourselves we thought we could try some of the DIY hacks that use IKEA cabinets as their frame and base and just fancy them up to look built in. So off we go with both kids to the worst place to take kids to.
Another important point- my husband and I are not shoppers. We both despise wasting time shopping. We don't need/ want/ like "stuff" (for real,  no one believes me, but I love empty shelves and drawers and I truly do not understand chachkes or knick knacks. They are a mystery to me. Why do you have stuff you don't use that just sits there collecting dust? Yes it looks pretty at first, but scientifically we no longer see the things in our house after a while.... But I digress). Shopping also just so boring and frustrating. But, for some reason we were both excited about this adventure. Not for long!
Many moons, measurements, reprimands and time-outs (who knew B could fit in a dresser drawer?) later we called it quits and headed for the cafe for our requisite swedish meatballs reward.
Standing in line I abruptly realized I needed to get home quickly because my body was rapidly

failing on me. And yes it happens that fast.
What does that mean exactly you ask?
Well, let me tell you!
It starts as an almost tingling all over my body. Not a pleasant tingling but an ominous one that threatens things to come. My brain begins to get extremely overwhelmed with activity around me and can't process things very quickly. Hello crowded IKEA cafe with two small children!
I told M, my hubby, that I needed to go home. Well versed in this sudden change of mood and direction he asks "do we need to leave the meatballs and leave now, or do you want to try to go sit and I'll finish up getting the food?" (It is cafeteria style).
I love that man. For so many reasons but this intuitive, knows exactly what's going on and what choices to give me moment reinforces it yet again.
"No. I want my meatballs. I walked all around IKEA. I deserve meatballs. I'll get us a table."
The 4 yr old and I wandered with him looking for a table and guiding me holding my hand.
When our meal was over I walked like a zombie around the winding path that is the "exit" from this giant warehouse full of everything you could ever want. I couldn't correct (yell at) my kids, I couldn't focus on anything and I was concentrating so hard on putting one foot in front of the other that I tuned out the world around me. I vaguely glanced at the curtains "oh I wanted to look at curtains", I strolled past rugs "oh M mentioned he wanted to look at rugs. Wish I could do that", "it's a Shame I can't look at picture frames and maybe new bowls"..... Flitted through my head as I repeated "left foot, right foot". My body melted into the passenger seat of my car, my ability to drive on hiatus for now, and I grabbed my medicine bag. I don't remember much after that, but I can almost guarantee it involved me crawling into bed.

And in the end we decided not to buy pre made IKEA cabinets and to go completely custom from scratch.

Girls with bow and arrows

My daughter's girl scout troop (that I am a co-leader of) is eligible to go to a weekend camping trip the Girl Scouts put on for all Girl Scouts of all ages in Northern California. It's in June and it's called Camporee. (I feel like I need to cheer or something when I  say that.... 🎉). I have been looking forward to this for 2 1/2 years! We all sleep in bunk beds in cabins. The girls get to go canoeing, do archery, swim, do crafts, climb rock walls and sit around a camp fire at night making s'mores and singing Girl Scout songs!! I mean how can you not want to go!? I really really really want to go. Aside from the fact that it sounds incredible (I get all excited when I think about trying archery for the first time!) this is a big "mother/ daughter" bonding weekend ... I think you can see where I'm going with this.....
My daughter once wrote that her favorite thing was going out to lunch just her and mommy. She requests "mommy/ R days" all the time and Mondays after school is our time while her brother is still at daycare. Last week we had a girl scout meeting at another leaders house and she was over the moon excited when I said I was going....it's been a while since I've felt up to going.
By now you have figured out that my little girl would love nothing more than her mommy going with her, without our boys, for an entire weekend to camp and have an amazing amount of fun. So, when I got the email invite I was excited to sign up and instantly said "we're in!".




And then reality set in. Huh. Can I physically do this? How can I do this? I asked a co leader who's been there for her opinion and rundown, so we met for coffee this morning. But first, last night I texted my good friend who seems to know me so well in this capacity and who has been to Camporee many times.  This is the text I received back....

So now we start with the hard questions. Why do I want to go? (Well duh) Do I REALLY think I can do it? What would be the plan for the day we get home? (Most likely in bed all day) What can I do while I'm there to make it easier? What is my emergency plan if my body fails me? 

I'm determined to figure out a way to go over the next few months so stay tuned! 

Feeling good with my mom guilt

"We have to go home and do valentines today! Mommy you can help me! Except..... Do you feel good today mommy?" Said in the sweetest 4 year old boy voice you can imagine broke and swelled my heart again today. Just when I start to think I have a handle on it..... 

As a matter of fact, after dropping off my daughter and carpool this morning, dropping off my son, coffee with a friend, an errand for my son's Valentine's day party, talking with/going over everything with our painters, picking up my daughter and carpool and picking up my son I really wasn't feeling good. I did feel ok this morning, but the days just destroy me still. I  wanted nothing more than to lie down and rest for a few minutes, but how do you say no to big blue eyes and the sweetest 'almost boy but still baby' voice?

The answer is you can't. Seriously U.S government you need to use cute 4 year olds as interrogators because you just can't say no to them. 

Anyway, we did 32 valentines (with stickers and tattoo inserts! Because I'm a masochist apparently), and laughed and chatted and had snacks and it was fantastic. Yet another day I need to remind myself these moments go fast. 

So so fast. How many more years will this sweet little boy want nothing more than for his mommy to sit with him and help him with his valentines? I'm so glad mommy guilt kicked in today. Sometimes I guess it can be a good thing....😉