So, today was one of those days. One of the days I just couldn't get off the couch. Today there were aches all over and exhaustion that makes me put off going to the bathroom as long as I can so I don't have to move any more than necessary. If you've ever had the flu, I mean the REAL flu, it's that feeling minus the stuffed up head. It's walking through 2 ft of mud with heavy limbs; feeling like your arms are 25lbs weights. Pain pills don't help, caffeine doesn't help, rest, sleep and on and on don't help. This feeling comes with the added bonus of being unable to get my body warm. My thermostat says it's 76 degrees in my house, yet here I am in 2 pairs of socks (one of which are for snowboarding), fleece pants, a tank top, shirt and sweatshirt under 2 down comforters. And guess what? Yep! My feel are still cold. It's kind of funny really. I feel like asking my feet "what the hell do you want from me?!".
But, no, that is not the worst part of all of this.
The worst part of all of this is the mom I am on days like this. I don't want to say "the mom it makes me turn into" or "the mom it has made me" or any of those descriptions, and the distinction is important to me. I can own my faults without excuses. The diseases themselves don't make me into anything and certainly not permanently. What they do do is create symptoms that make it tough for me to be a mom, or at least the mom I want to be.
So today we tried to go outside and play, we tried to play at the dining table and we ended up watching TV. I lost count of the episodes of Blaze he watched, but am happy to say the little one plays very well on his own and went off to play with his toys periodically. I also appreciate the fact that every cartoon made today is educational and he learns something from them. Then my oldest (almost 7) came home. There was homework to do, she needed to clean her room and put away her laundry, but instead she played with her brother in the backyard while I was on the couch listening to them and trying not to fall asleep. I just didn't have the strength to get her to do all of the things that needed to be done (though homework of course was eventually done). Our rule of "work and chores before fun" just didn't, couldn't, apply today.
Then daddy came home and rather than a home cooked meal like I usually have in the works the kids were eating cereal and he had to fend for himself as here I am in bed at 7:30. Again. No he doesn't mind at all, and he doesn't expect half of what I expect of myself, but I feel sad and guilty when I can't take care of anything and make his life a little easier. The house is a mess, the sink is full of dishes and a million projects need to be done around the house. But I stayed on the couch.
During the time I spend on the couch I do get bored. People always ask me what I do. Days like today are difficult since with a 3.5 yr old in the room I can hardly watch TV, so I play games on my phone, or do the grocery shopping on my phone, or read on my phone...you can see the pattern. This obviously creates the illusion that I'm just always on my phone and that's why I don't/ won't play with my kids. But I assure you, it's the other way around. Most adults get it, but how do you explain that to kids?
So, the hardest and worst part of all of this is what my kids see, comprehend, think, feel and will remember. Eh, no big deal right? I lie awake nights worrying about this.
We all feel like we are just doing it wrong sometimes, right? Parenting is hard! Kids are tough little creatures to mold and form and raise. They are also sensitive, loving, resilient and amazing little creatures that we are lucky enough to get to raise and mold and form. I know all kids will have baggage and no parent is perfect, I get that, I really do, but what days like today do is prevent me from being the mom I want to be. Not the greatest parent in the world, not a mom by anyone else's standards, but the one I pictured myself as and strive to be. Today I am short tempered, I yell more because I'm frustrated that I can't do what I want, I have no patience because I'm tired and in pain, and I can't play with them, and sometimes don't even want to because I'm just so bloody tired. It rips out my heart when my baby boy asks me to play with him and I have to say "mommy can't" yet again, because I know soon he'll just stop asking. It breaks my heart when I get impatient and yell and I see the hurt look on my sensitive and loving daughter's face. I go to bed wondering if that's a memory she'll keep, and if my little boy feels like mommy doesn't want to spend time with him.
Even now I have a lump in my throat because I just couldn't be a mom today. Yes they were fed and dressed, she went to school and he was excited to stay home with mommy. Yes, their teeth were brushed, their baths were given (by daddy) and they went to bed warm and snuggled. But what effect will today, and the so many others just like it, have on their emotions, feelings, foundation? If it was one day in a hundred, the answer would be "not much", but these days are part of their norm, so that is a valid question and concern. I also understand that I probably won't ever know.
My hope, and the only thing that keeps me going, is that no matter what happens they know I love them more than anything in this universe, that I have and will continue to fight through the pain and fatigue and sickness as much as I can- for them and their incredible daddy, that I am always here for them no matter what and that my heart breaks when I can't do things they want or ask of me. Sometimes mommy can't play dinosaurs or trucks, sometimes mommy yells when they don't do what they need to be doing, because sometimes mommy can't be the mommy she wants to be. And that is the very very worst part.
